Coming to terms

Hi everyone. I have been totally obsessed with my epilepsy lately. Possibly a normal reaction considering my recent experiences. I got out a couple of books from the library to learn more about my JME (Juvenile Myoclonic Epilepsy). I now regret not reading up on the subject when I was first diagnosed. I have learnt a lot more about epilepsy in general and my particular type.
A lot of epilepsy's are childhood/adolescence and will gradually disappear. I must be one of those special cases where the Lord knew I would accept (finally!) my epilepsy as it is one for life. Definately a tough one to accept. I do now know that I am one of millions and millions that have a life term illness.
I have been learning the down side of epilepsy. The short term memory is one of the most affected in me, something to do with where my seizures generally start from. We have a lot more happening in our brains that I never really thought about. Another one is the shakes and being clumsy.
Mentally I am doing okay. Its a real struggle to realise and accept that I have this thing that is stopping me having a "normal" life. What I mean is that I'm not allowed to drive (obvious), but I'm also not allowed to cycle or swim unattended. I only just got my bike for my birthday. Doctor told me that eventually when my seizures are controlled I'll be able to do these things again. Eventually being the optimal word. I'm having to tell myself to keep thinking positive, after all, I could have been driving when I had my tonic-clonic seizure (Grand mal) or if I'd been swimming I could have drowned. So where to from now? I get seizure control and continue to praise God that its a condition that can be medically controlled and 99.9 percent non fatal.
Love and blessings

May already!

I haven't updated this one for a long time! I really must remedy that.
I'm enjoying my Book Editing, Proofreading & Publishing course. I've just sent away the second assignment. The first one came back when we were away in Aussie. They don't grade but offer corrections, suggestions, reminders, constructive critiscism and praise. I'm finding it a juggle to double my reading time. Who would have thought that would be a problem! I am required to broaden my reading material as well. Guess I have to miss out on the goggle box (TV), no harm in that though.

I am struggling at the moment with having had two recent Grand Mal seizures. I was angry about it, maybe still am a wee bit. Don't see why I had to be the one to get the epilepsy genes. I'd have gladly shared that one! I am fed up with taking all this medication and for seemingly no reason. Although I am aware that things could be a lot worse. At the moment I feel like I'm a ticking time bomb but with no deadline. I'm not allowed to even go for my bike rides or swim unattended till the medication is sorted out. I'm a wee bit afraid to be alone too. Thanks for caring friends I've been able to hang out with I haven't had to be. But I can't keep doing that either. I know the Lord is still with me, even carrying me through this. Flesh is strong though. My imagination plays havoc with the words 'What if?'

We have bought another house now. We feel its better to have our money invested in a property than just sitting and gaining very little. Its a nice place. 3bdm, heat pump, very large section, and brick. Its about 20yrs old and a bit dated with the decor but we'll make it home.
Our possession date is the 30th May. I'd better start packing really. Although we've moved so often that I'm sure I could do it in my sleep.
Aimee turns 5yrs on the 6th June. She starts school on the 11th. My baby! This is where I'm glad I have my study to do. And we'll have just moved so I'll have plenty to keep me occupied. Some days I look forward to her going to school and the time out it means for me. Mostly though I find myself not wanting that time to be so soon. I use to get annoyed with women that said to me
"Enjoy these years when they're at home, it goes so quickly you'll miss it when its gone".
They're right. I think its something I had to find out for myself to appreciate what they were saying. But they're right. There's so many moments that I look back on and would change. Times when I wasn't so appreciative for having 3 children. My depression had a big part to play in my regrets, but whats been has been and its looking forward that we need to do.
Well I better sign off. Its later thanI thought which explains why my eyes are blurring. Goodnight, sleep tight. This picture is so lovely I thought I'd share it.

Why Weight

I am about to start a six mth programme called Why Weight. I heard about it from my friend Jo. Put my name on the waiting list. By God's grace someone pulled out and they put me on. I went to a presentation last week. Its exactly what I need!
What is it?
Its a programme for people with mental health illnesses, teaching nutrition and excersise to help with weight loss. For Norht Canterbury its run by ComCare. We get the use of the AMI gym in Rangiora. We meet on a tuesday afternoon from 1pm - 3pm.
The first hour is a workout in the gym with professional trainers and then the 2nd hour is an educational speaker. They have a variety of speakers from doctors, dieticians, diabetes, psychiatrists etc. Its a commitment for 6mths, 1 day a week. Its going to be really good for me with accountability and support. There's about 15 of us in the group, a nice small number so we can get to know each other. It sort of reminds me of that American series called 'The Biggest Loser'. Except we don't get torturous challenges and no T.V cameras! The other courses that have been held previously around NZ have been a huge success. The best thing is that everything is free. Its backed by a pharmaceutical company. They even give out freebies! I just realised what that reads like! Not free drugs, free drink bottles etc.
Anyway I thought I'd let you know what I'm up too.
I'm sick of my issues with weight. I am tired of the struggle of eating then feeling guilty. I am hoping this is what I need to change my bad habits. And like I said its free! I'll keep my avid readers updated. Our first session is this Tuesday (13th March)

"Normal"

But you are a chosen people...a people belonging to God
1 Peter 2:9

For years I prayed that the Lord would make me normal. Today that prayer makes me giggle. I wonder if the Lord chuckled too.
Have you ever met anyone "normal"? (Besides yourself, of course.) Most of us like to think we're sane regardless of how frayed our threads might be. We all long to be exceptional yet fear that even on tiptoes we wouldn't measure up to "normal".
C.S. Lewis quipped, "If God had answered all the silly prayers I've made in my life, where should I be now?" I too have prayed a lot of immature prayers, and I thank the Lord he didn't oblige me. I remember when I was housebound with agoraphobia, I told God that if he could just make me normal enough to get to the grocery store and home again, that would be enough. Imagine, I could still be in Piggly Wiggly's searching for sea salt and would have missed the privilege and joy of becoming a seasoning in the world.
In my emotionally wrought twenties, I prayed that God would change my husband's heart, and he did, but not in the way I anticipated. I thought God would convict Les of some of his insensitive ways so he would treat me with greater understanding. Instead the Lord began to work on me! And then an even funnier thing happened. Because Les's behavior was often in response to my poor attitudes, when I changed, he changed as well.
The Lord hears our silly prayers, our self-absorbed prattling, and our disjointed ruminations. Then he answers us in merciful ways.

Thankyou, Lord, for hearing past my words and giving me what
I really need. Amen

Patsy Clairmont
The Women of Faith Daily Devotional

I really enjoyed reading this devotion. With my depression, one of the main prayers I prayed was to be "normal". For me normal was to be free of depression and anxiety. Even for my physical health, having epilepsy was not "normal". Now at the other end of a particularly bad episode of depression, I realise that I'm as "normal" as the next person. What makes me special is I can relate to others who go through similar stuff. I no longer try to be someone I'm not. It takes too much energy and too much time. If I go through life that way, I wouldn't be able to bless people with the person that God made me to be. In saying that, I'm so thankful to God for carrying me through each trial and tribulation. I'm nothing without him. I hope this devotion helps others that go through the same struggle of trying to work out how to be "normal".

Hope

I've started a devotional book that my friend sent me last christmas. I haven't read it before till I'd finished another one.
The first entry for the month of January is about Hope. I'd like to share it with you as I feel that it is appropriate for the beginning of a new year.

May integrity and uprightness protect me, because my hope is in you.
-Psalm 25:21

Hope is a beautiful thing. Like a flower that thrives on sunlight and water, hope relies on the daily sustenance of the Word of God, of prayer, and of experience shared with others who have received the gift. Hope is an elusive bird to those who have no relationship with God or reservation in eternity. Hope requires more than sim;ly clicking red shoes or crossing our fingers. It is a sweet and magnificent benefit of walking with Christ. Hope looks at all that is true about the present, lifts the circumstances of life into the tender, loving hands of God - and exhales in trust. Hope makes it possible to live with our feet firmly planted on earth while our hearts and minds are committed to a vision of life that is far bigger than we are.
A new year is like the fresh, crisp page of an untouched journal. We lift our pen to the first day. This year will hold unexpected joys and sorrows, moments of faith and fear, wishes fulfilled and dreams abandoned. there is much wse do not know. But there is much we do know with absolute assurance. We know that God is in control and that his heart is good and merciful toward us. We know that we are not alone. We know that everything that happens in our lives and in the lives of those we love has already passed through our Father's hands. And we know that we are loved.

Sheila Walsh

I can very much relate about starting a fresh page in my journal. My writing seems to be neater, and the words flow smoothly onto the page. I like to look at every new day a new hope in the Lord guiding my steps. Very reassuring on a tough day.

Reflection

I have the pleasure of owning several books called " The Friendship Book" by Francis Gay. I am presently reading the 1995 edition. Its a book with a daily thought, tale, bible verse. I mark the ones that touch me and want to journal. Here's several that have stuck with me so far.

Monday - January 2
... Our life is a book of chapters three,
The past, the present, and the yet to be.
The past is gone, it is stowed away,
The present we live with every day.
The future is not for us to see,
It is locked away and God holds the key.

Wednesday - January 4
...Trust the past to the mercy of God,
The present to His love,
And the future to His providence.

One that hit me in regards to others at this time of year who have lost loved ones or are lonely...

Thursday - January 12

SNOWDROPS

The snowdrops bloom - and yet I know,

that born of wind and rain,

These flowers - so like the driven snow-

Are part of joy and pain.

For joy and pain have each a part,

Within our lives to play,

And smiles and tears come to the heart,

Most every passing day.

And, if perchance the pain should be

Almost too much to bear,

May some sad heart, within my life,

Find Snowdrops growing there.

Margaret Dixon.

One more entry that has struck me as a beautiful tradition...

Wednesday - January 18

During the annual week for Christian Unity in January, our local churches get together for a Christingle service. Everyone, youn and old, carries an orange with a candle inserted in it symbolising Jesus Christ The Light of the world, while round the orange is a decoration of sweets and nuts representing the fruits of the earth. With our lighted candles we form an unbroken circle inside the church.

At the beginning of the service we receive a Peace Candle as a gift from another Chruch. The story behind it is that in 1986 a party of Christians from America visited the Soviet Union. On their departure an old lady from the Russian Orthodox Church gave the minister three roubles, and asked him to buy a candle and take it back to his church in Pennsylvania as a gesture of goodwill.

The idea spread amongst other churches in the USA, and somehow or other a candle arrived in the UK at a church in Sutton Coldfield. From there the practice of giving candles spread between churches here.

So one more Peace Candle was lit, the symbol of our hope for the peace and unity of the whole world, for as it was said, there is not so much darkness that one small candle cannot overcome it: "I shall light a candle of understanding in thine heart, which shall not be put out."

Esdras II: The Apocrypha.

Just some of the entries. Oh I forgot to say that I don't do the daily reading, I just read entries here and there.

two sleeps to go.

Family traditions... most families have them. We as a family have made our own traditions and am adding to them each year. One of ours is that we put our tree up on the 1st Dec. Another one that we are just starting this year is that we are going to open our gifts with our three girls on Christmas eve. In years past we have attended church in the morning, gone home and done gifts then either had family over or gone out to family for lunch. Its all rushed and we always get antsy with each other, mainly Terry & I. One year when we just had Em & SJ, the girls ended up crying and not wanting to open any more presents!! Unheard of usually eh! Well we are hoping this year we will have a more relaxed season.
After all we should have our focus on Jesus and his miraculous birth, as we say 'Jesus is the reason for the season.'
I pray you all have a merry Christmas and a happy and safe holiday.