Sick and Tired!!

With having a seizure last night I am feeling quite low in my mood today, I'm still feeling nauseous and headachey so that doesn't help. I had a warning sign about 15 - 30 minutes prior to the generalized seizure. I thought I was being silly and over analytical so I didn't mention anything to Terry. Now I wish I had. Not that he'd be able to do anything to prevent it, but he would have had warning instead of getting a fright when I kicked the wee coffee table across the lounge floor. When He realized what was happening he moved other stuff out of the way.
Again I had no idea that I'd just had a seizure. All I do remember is feeling really sick and Terry handing me a bowl and towel. I guess he's getting use to the look of utter confusion on my face when he's asking me if I'm okay and telling me I've had a seizure. He'd phoned Mum Smith during my seizure and apparently she phoned back and I answered, She asked for Terry and I gave him the phone. Of course I can't recall any of that. I only have fragments of memory of the event. When Terry woke me this morning he asked if I'd remembered what had happened last night, I thought I'd dreamt it!
My GP is away till next week so I ended up phoning in to my neurologist Dr Mason. She told me to increase my current medication and see how we go after a few weeks with that. It's very frustrating for me (and family/friends) as I don't know why these seizures are happening, there's no preperation for before one and no 'natural' methods of preventing or treating epilepsy. I am constantly asking the Lord why he hasn't healed me yet, but I now believe that I can show God's strength in this weakness in my body. Similar to how Paul dealt with his 'thorn in his side'. I appreciate all the prayer that family and friends are doing for me. And I know that there are millions of people worse off than I am. At least I do have access to medication and get a subsidy from the government to help with the costs.
Well that's about all on that subject, no doubt I'll need to vent again regarding my epilepsy.

We had Jess stay for a few days during holidays. I so loved having her. We hadn't seen her for quite a while with me not being able to drive and her so involved in her dance stuff. For a 13 yr old she is very busy and quite the socialite. Rather attached to her cell phone too. I think the only time her phone was quiet was when we were all in bed!! Is this what we have to look forward too? Terry and I hear the comments of 'wait till they're teens' or 'deal with these things before they hit puberty or they'll never accept the boundaries', we've also heard about all the 'trouble' with boys and peer pressure. And on top of all that we get told 'they (the girls) stop listening and being interested in any one else other than themselves'.
I'm not sure that we will have all those issues happen to us and the girls. It annoys me how people lump all teen girls into one type of child. Everyone is different after all. One thing I did find difficult in re to Jess was being able to relate to her as she is now in a different phase than the girls and the 4yr gap between her and Em is very obvious now. Like I said to De, as the girls will grow so will we as parents and we'll have grown into the next phase with them. Having Jess was an eye opener to the differences.

Well I'd better go, the washing machined has finished and its getting on to the time of getting tea organised.
Love to all.

update

Well, I have a few moments where I can do an update on this blog. Although I could repeat things with what's on the family blog.
Most people know that I had another generalised seizure last tuesday (3rd July), I still have a bump on the back of the head. Looking back I think I had slight concussion. I wasn't quite fully aware of myself at the doctors and didn't realise that I had hurt my head or my back. I'm still waiting to hear about an appointment with my neurologist. My GP thinks we'll have to change or add to my current medication. I had gone for a bike ride on the sunday before (1st July), I felt so good afterwards! Having my period at the time was giving me a low mood and the excersise was just the thing I needed. Then the seizure on tuesday has now stopped me from cycling for the mean time. Doc says it's too dangerous, if I had a generalised seizure I could cause a serious accident, even if I was with someone else I couldn't be stopped from falling in front of a car. I could bike around the school grounds but I am afraid of falling onto the concrete there as well.
I was talking to Jo today and figured that I had been able to finally accept and acknowledge that I have epilepsy, then when I started to have these generalised seizures I have had to deal with the 'big' part of the epilepsy - the worst part in my eyes - I now have to back up a bit and try to trudge through this latest swamp. But through it I will get!!
I have epilepsy - epilepsy does not have me!!
Well I better go and settle the girls down as it's 8pm and their getting a bit too energetic this close to bedtime. They are enjoying having their cousy Jess to stay for a few days. Aimee is staying at Nana's house for the night. I miss her already! I don't think I have fully accepted that she is at school now.

Coming to terms

I think I'm obsessed with my epilepsy at the present time. I can't stop thinking about it, I feel like I'm just going through the motions of life waiting for the next one. I am afraid to be alone just in case I have a generalised seizure. Funny how I haven't had one when I've been alone or just with the girls. I'm believing that the Lord is responsible for that one. I was going to start riding my bike on the weekend until I had thursdays seizure. I hate this. I found it good talking to Tracey on the weekend. Tracey is mum to Drew who has a series of medical problems including epilepsy. Its good to compare each others knowledge on the subject. I am trying not to stress out about the buying the house but thats a hard one. We are finding that the house is smaller than what we remember. We're having to sort out what we can fit in each room. Terry's done a great job on the carpets in the bedrooms. Unfortunately the laundry is proving a bit more difficult.
Added to that stress is the emotions regarding Aimee starting school. I'm looking forward to it because I do find being a stay at home mum difficult. Which I feel guilt with because I wanted children, I always wanted to be a mum when I was growing up. Its not hard all the time and I have got huge amounts of good memories. I'm going to miss having Aimee around. Although right at this moment she is being a tad annoying by wanting to have a string (a jelly type snack). I am determined not to give in and she is equally determined to get one.
Well I better go. Get Aimee some food before Rainbow.

Coming to terms

Hi everyone. I have been totally obsessed with my epilepsy lately. Possibly a normal reaction considering my recent experiences. I got out a couple of books from the library to learn more about my JME (Juvenile Myoclonic Epilepsy). I now regret not reading up on the subject when I was first diagnosed. I have learnt a lot more about epilepsy in general and my particular type.
A lot of epilepsy's are childhood/adolescence and will gradually disappear. I must be one of those special cases where the Lord knew I would accept (finally!) my epilepsy as it is one for life. Definately a tough one to accept. I do now know that I am one of millions and millions that have a life term illness.
I have been learning the down side of epilepsy. The short term memory is one of the most affected in me, something to do with where my seizures generally start from. We have a lot more happening in our brains that I never really thought about. Another one is the shakes and being clumsy.
Mentally I am doing okay. Its a real struggle to realise and accept that I have this thing that is stopping me having a "normal" life. What I mean is that I'm not allowed to drive (obvious), but I'm also not allowed to cycle or swim unattended. I only just got my bike for my birthday. Doctor told me that eventually when my seizures are controlled I'll be able to do these things again. Eventually being the optimal word. I'm having to tell myself to keep thinking positive, after all, I could have been driving when I had my tonic-clonic seizure (Grand mal) or if I'd been swimming I could have drowned. So where to from now? I get seizure control and continue to praise God that its a condition that can be medically controlled and 99.9 percent non fatal.
Love and blessings

May already!

I haven't updated this one for a long time! I really must remedy that.
I'm enjoying my Book Editing, Proofreading & Publishing course. I've just sent away the second assignment. The first one came back when we were away in Aussie. They don't grade but offer corrections, suggestions, reminders, constructive critiscism and praise. I'm finding it a juggle to double my reading time. Who would have thought that would be a problem! I am required to broaden my reading material as well. Guess I have to miss out on the goggle box (TV), no harm in that though.

I am struggling at the moment with having had two recent Grand Mal seizures. I was angry about it, maybe still am a wee bit. Don't see why I had to be the one to get the epilepsy genes. I'd have gladly shared that one! I am fed up with taking all this medication and for seemingly no reason. Although I am aware that things could be a lot worse. At the moment I feel like I'm a ticking time bomb but with no deadline. I'm not allowed to even go for my bike rides or swim unattended till the medication is sorted out. I'm a wee bit afraid to be alone too. Thanks for caring friends I've been able to hang out with I haven't had to be. But I can't keep doing that either. I know the Lord is still with me, even carrying me through this. Flesh is strong though. My imagination plays havoc with the words 'What if?'

We have bought another house now. We feel its better to have our money invested in a property than just sitting and gaining very little. Its a nice place. 3bdm, heat pump, very large section, and brick. Its about 20yrs old and a bit dated with the decor but we'll make it home.
Our possession date is the 30th May. I'd better start packing really. Although we've moved so often that I'm sure I could do it in my sleep.
Aimee turns 5yrs on the 6th June. She starts school on the 11th. My baby! This is where I'm glad I have my study to do. And we'll have just moved so I'll have plenty to keep me occupied. Some days I look forward to her going to school and the time out it means for me. Mostly though I find myself not wanting that time to be so soon. I use to get annoyed with women that said to me
"Enjoy these years when they're at home, it goes so quickly you'll miss it when its gone".
They're right. I think its something I had to find out for myself to appreciate what they were saying. But they're right. There's so many moments that I look back on and would change. Times when I wasn't so appreciative for having 3 children. My depression had a big part to play in my regrets, but whats been has been and its looking forward that we need to do.
Well I better sign off. Its later thanI thought which explains why my eyes are blurring. Goodnight, sleep tight. This picture is so lovely I thought I'd share it.

Why Weight

I am about to start a six mth programme called Why Weight. I heard about it from my friend Jo. Put my name on the waiting list. By God's grace someone pulled out and they put me on. I went to a presentation last week. Its exactly what I need!
What is it?
Its a programme for people with mental health illnesses, teaching nutrition and excersise to help with weight loss. For Norht Canterbury its run by ComCare. We get the use of the AMI gym in Rangiora. We meet on a tuesday afternoon from 1pm - 3pm.
The first hour is a workout in the gym with professional trainers and then the 2nd hour is an educational speaker. They have a variety of speakers from doctors, dieticians, diabetes, psychiatrists etc. Its a commitment for 6mths, 1 day a week. Its going to be really good for me with accountability and support. There's about 15 of us in the group, a nice small number so we can get to know each other. It sort of reminds me of that American series called 'The Biggest Loser'. Except we don't get torturous challenges and no T.V cameras! The other courses that have been held previously around NZ have been a huge success. The best thing is that everything is free. Its backed by a pharmaceutical company. They even give out freebies! I just realised what that reads like! Not free drugs, free drink bottles etc.
Anyway I thought I'd let you know what I'm up too.
I'm sick of my issues with weight. I am tired of the struggle of eating then feeling guilty. I am hoping this is what I need to change my bad habits. And like I said its free! I'll keep my avid readers updated. Our first session is this Tuesday (13th March)

"Normal"

But you are a chosen people...a people belonging to God
1 Peter 2:9

For years I prayed that the Lord would make me normal. Today that prayer makes me giggle. I wonder if the Lord chuckled too.
Have you ever met anyone "normal"? (Besides yourself, of course.) Most of us like to think we're sane regardless of how frayed our threads might be. We all long to be exceptional yet fear that even on tiptoes we wouldn't measure up to "normal".
C.S. Lewis quipped, "If God had answered all the silly prayers I've made in my life, where should I be now?" I too have prayed a lot of immature prayers, and I thank the Lord he didn't oblige me. I remember when I was housebound with agoraphobia, I told God that if he could just make me normal enough to get to the grocery store and home again, that would be enough. Imagine, I could still be in Piggly Wiggly's searching for sea salt and would have missed the privilege and joy of becoming a seasoning in the world.
In my emotionally wrought twenties, I prayed that God would change my husband's heart, and he did, but not in the way I anticipated. I thought God would convict Les of some of his insensitive ways so he would treat me with greater understanding. Instead the Lord began to work on me! And then an even funnier thing happened. Because Les's behavior was often in response to my poor attitudes, when I changed, he changed as well.
The Lord hears our silly prayers, our self-absorbed prattling, and our disjointed ruminations. Then he answers us in merciful ways.

Thankyou, Lord, for hearing past my words and giving me what
I really need. Amen

Patsy Clairmont
The Women of Faith Daily Devotional

I really enjoyed reading this devotion. With my depression, one of the main prayers I prayed was to be "normal". For me normal was to be free of depression and anxiety. Even for my physical health, having epilepsy was not "normal". Now at the other end of a particularly bad episode of depression, I realise that I'm as "normal" as the next person. What makes me special is I can relate to others who go through similar stuff. I no longer try to be someone I'm not. It takes too much energy and too much time. If I go through life that way, I wouldn't be able to bless people with the person that God made me to be. In saying that, I'm so thankful to God for carrying me through each trial and tribulation. I'm nothing without him. I hope this devotion helps others that go through the same struggle of trying to work out how to be "normal".